A Drop in the Ocean

I haven't used this journal in forever. I used to post here all the time. It's crazy how things like this go. Livejournal used to be the cool thing to do - or at least the semi hipster/scene thing to do. I miss it though. Now the cool things to do are tumblr and facebook. And I do have both, but I don't know - I miss writing in here. It always felt honest.

I really enjoy going back through my old blogs and reading entries. It's crazy to see how much I change from year to year. How when I last wrote in here I was a freshman in college and now I'm getting ready to graduate. I'm an adult now and I feel ready to take on the world. I've been through a lot in college and it's incredible how much I've grown and discovered who I am while I've been here. It has been the best experience in the world and I'm going to miss it. But I'm ready for the next chapter in my life. Who knows - I'll probably look back on this entry in like 3 years and think "wow I'm so different now." I feel like in college, as much as I liked to think I knew who I was, I really had no idea. I've been figuring it out though and I'm really loving who I'm becoming.

I want to write in here more - it was always an escape for me. I don't even have any friends who are on livejournal anymore, but I'm hoping someone will read these anyway. And even if they don't - it's more for me anyway. I feel like every time I pick back up on a blog I promise myself I'll write once a week or something, but honestly, I never do it. I'll write in here when I think of it and when I have time. This semester is much less busy than last semester was, so I know I'll have a lot more time on my hands. I'm excited.

April Showers.

I miss writing in here - it used to be my escape from the world. I've been so busy I barely have time to do anything anymore. This semester has been killing me, and I was warned about it, but part of me doesn't mind. I'm doing something I love almost 24 hours a day. I also love sleeping and would love to do that 24 hours a day, but theatre is more fulfilling. I've made the decision to triple minor in music, english, and music technology and it has put a huge relief on me. I'm happier than ever with my chosen career path and I really think being here at Penn State is the best way to get where I want to go in the future. It is far, but it's where I need to be for school and it's amazing.
I changed rooms and now live with Jenn, who is pretty much my best friend here at school. I'm a lot happier living with her - it actually feels like home in here now. I hope next year it's just as good but I have no doubt that it will be.
I've started writing again. I've started writing again a LOT and it's amazing. I love being able to express myself in such a beautiful way again and my creative writing class has really helped me with that. Also, music had become an even bigger part of my life. It has gotten me through some pretty tough times and I'm finally being able to open up a little more and sing out and I've gotten positive feedback for it. I think part of the reason I'm so shy to sing in front of people is that I love singing so much and it's such a big part of my life that I feel like if I sing in front of people and someone is like wow she's not good at all, I will be completely heartbroken and it will ruin me. I really think it would. So I don't know what's going to happen with that, but I'm going to audition for my first show as a bigger part this summer. I'm excited.
Also Damon and I have gotten even closer. Some things happened that I don't want to get into and it has basically forced us to be even closer. We can no longer text, but it's nice because we are able to talk about our feelings out loud a little more and it's nice. We sat on the phone together the other night and were both sad and just sat in silence for like 20 minutes and it was so comforting rather than awkward and I love that I have someone I can do that with. It's nice to know there's someone there that when I'm sad, I can tell him and he will make me feel better by calling me or sending me a song or just anything.
When I was upset yesterday he sent me a song that I think really is the epitome of our relationship. Here are the lyrics:

Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes
Come on and talk to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry, let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess can make me love you less
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, I won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad, don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.

And hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too
Well I'm alot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along, cause even if your wrong
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, I won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me in into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby, you're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own, I'll stand by you. I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you. I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you. ooooh, I'll stand by you. I'll stand by you.

I'm so lucky to have this boy in my life.

(no subject)

Looking back on my last entry, I'm happy to say that I've successfully started to pursue and achieve my resolutions. I joined the gym at school and started my diet. I've gone off it this past week but now I'm back on. I've gotten over Joe. Not completely over him, but I'd say about 98% over him, and I'm working on the other 2%. I'm doing alright with my school work and I'm stepping it up to a new level right now. Also, I'm slowly working on being more confident. I'm lining up a job for the summer this week and everything seems to be on track.

I'm exhausted though. I'm in production for my show, PUSH, and I've been working so hard on that and schoolwork, it's unreal. In high school I was able to blow off school work and just focus on my show and get away with it, but here I can't. When a project is due, it's due and it sucks but it's the real world. I'm working on a boy situation too. I like a boy - a LOT. The only problem is he has a girlfriend who he's been dating for like 4 years. I'm prettier than she is, and we have a very similar personality in some aspects, and in others, our differences are mainly things that he and I have in common. I feel like we're perfect for each other, but I don't know what to do. I like him so so much.

Happy New Year

I miss writing. Damon asked me last night if I've been writing recently, and other than these LJ posts, the answer to that question is no. Why don't I write anymore? It was one of the only things in my life that no matter what, made me happy. It let me escape to be somewhere else and sometimes someone else. If it makes me feel that way, why don't I do it? I guess I've just been caught up in the monotonous repetition of my life, but that needs to change. So as of 2008, hell as of NOW, I'm going to write more. At least once a week; maybe every day. I used to keep a notebook that I could just jot things down in whether they be entire short stories or single words - just anything that popped into my mind when I was inspired - and I would go back later and look through them and it helped a lot. I do keep a notebook next to my bed at school, but I have yet to write in it. I need to start writing again.

New Year's Resolutions:

-Be more confident
-Lose weight
-Make dean's list for second semester
-Line up a theatre job for the summer
-Go to shows and have good times with amazing people
-Get over Joe for good and never ever look back on it once
-Start taking voice lessons
-Act on my feelings and finally pursue that boy
-Like boys who DON'T already have girlfriends
-Start writing again

it's a long list, but they're not all impossible so I'm going to commit myself to making sure I live my life to the fullest this coming year, and every year after.

2007 was the best year of my life for me. It was the best and worst, actually. The best because I met my best friend Damon, and looking back, I can't imagine my life without him now. The worst because I had to leave everything familiar in my life to move to a new state with new people and new rules and new freedoms and it was hard. But that's also arguably the second best thing that happened to me this past year.

fa la la la la

I'm home. I'm finally home and it's bittersweet. Bitter because I miss a few people from school; because I've gotten used to having an unlimited amount of freedom, and here I'm restricted with a curfew and other ways. Sweet for obvious reasons - I get to see my family every night and go to the diner and see my friends and most importantly, see my best friend. I needed this break so badly - it's nice to finally be able to relax but I can't help but keep in the back of my mind that I'll be going back to school in two weeks. I'm dreading it. Not because I hate school because I don't - I've made a few amazing friends and even have a crush on a certain boy but it's not home, and that's why I don't want to go back sometimes. It's going to be really hard so I'm trying not to become to attached to being home.
It's not going to well though. My best friend and I are closer than ever before now - I've seen him almost every day since I've been home and it's been amazing. Part one of his Christmas gift was amazing - it was the best gift I've ever gotten for any holiday every and every word he wrote to me was so honest and beautiful it made me cry - even each time I've reread it since the initial reading. Part of me wishes we weren't this close because it wouldn't be as hard to go back to school, but I love how close we are because he's the only person who has truly gotten me through the transition into college. If it weren't for him talking to me on the phone every single night, I wouldn't have made it. And just when I think that it's physically and chemically impossible for two people to be closer than we are, we get even closer and it just blows my mind in the most amazing and incredible ways. I can't even put it into words the feeling I get when we're together - just to be with someone who truly understands me and loves me so much the way I am. I'm not even going to try to describe it because I don't want to butcher it with words that don't do it justice.
I've been working at DRG Telemarketing again and I hate it. I've been there two days, and I'm so over it. I loved it in the summer because even though it was boring, I could still find fun in it but now I can't even do that. It's fun working with people I like, but its just gotten to the point where I'm tempted to just get up and walk out - it's torture. But I'll be making over $400 in 3 weeks, so it's worth it for this break. But its made up my mind - I'm not going to work here in the summer again I can't handle that. At least its money though. I love being independent. At least semi-independent, anyway. It's just such a good feeling and makes me feel alive.
I need to get to a Jack's Mannequin concert ASAP. Or any concert really. I don't know anyone at school yet with as deep a passion for music as I have, and it's a little disheartening. I just need to go somewhere to a concert so I can just feel the music in my chest and let the music lift me up in the air above the stars in the night sky.

holidays abound.

I need to get out of here. I need a break ... just to escape for a little while from this place ... these people ... these surroundings. My roommate's been getting on my nerves more than ever lately, and I need to get away from her. From her and her boyfriend who has become my second roommate. When you're around someone 24/7 you get annoyed very easily by them and that's what's happening now. I need to get away from my friends here for a little while and go back to my friends at home - the ones who have known me forever and a day and care about me just as much as I care about them. I need my best friend back right this instant. Talking on the phone for hours every day is great, but I need to be with him; with someone that I know cares about me more than most things, as I do for him. I need my mom and dad to make me dinner and my brother and sister to annoy the hell out of me. I need my dog to jump on my bed and wake me up early in the morning. I need my car back and driving as fast as I can with the music up loud, singing at the top of my lungs. I need to feel invincible again.
I need to not care about finals for a change or if I have a paper due. I need my room to be warm and welcoming, not a cement prison cell.
I'm exaggerating, but with only four days left, I feel the need to get out of here more and more each day. It's not that I don't like it here, because I do. I just need a break and fast.

I know when I get home, I'll have to deal with some things I don't want to deal with like a certain boy who has time after time upset me. I have to address it once and for all, otherwise I'm done for good (which I probably will be anyway). I have to work over break, but to be honest I'm really looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to not being able to sleep late at all, but I'm looking forward to seeing my old friends and co-workers and I'm looking forward to bothering people during dinner or waking them up at 9am on a Saturday morning to offer them a free chiropractic evaluation.
Rockland County never seemed so sweet.

(no subject)

we hooked up and it was so amazing.
i've missed him so much and i'm so glad he's still in my life.
even if it does mean that i'm compromising myself for him, i'm willing to do it.
and that scares the shit out of me. the fact that i even wrote that sentence scares me, and as much as i just want to erase it, i know it's the truth.
I don't know what it is about him that makes me like this. It all started two years ago and it just hasn't stopped. he had a girlfriend and led me on for so long and I went along with it because I liked him so much and i knew he cared about me. we never acted on our feelings, but we did talk every day and stuff. it wasn't until this summer that we really hung out and in august we kissed for the first time. and did other things for the first time. in his bed. don't worry, i'm still a virgin ... that wasn't one of the firsts. but it was so amazing to be kissing him and having him hold me the way he did finally after wanting him to for so long. and that was pretty much the last time i heard from him until this Thanksgiving break, 3 months later. we did have a few times where we talked, but not for more than 5 minutes and only online. i wanted to hate him so badly and just to move on, but still i can't. i love the way he makes me feel and i think he's amazing. we're exact opposites in almost every way you can imagine yet we click so well and i don't know what it is about him - his tattoos or the way he tastes of stale cigarettes (which would usually gross me out ... in theory anyway - i've never kissed a smoker), or the way he talks to me and holds me - that makes me crazy but every time he comes back into my life i pretty much lose my mind and just go crazy. and when we hooked up again for our second time in his bed this week, it was amazing once again. just the way he held me and touched me, i knew he cared about me and i know he still does. at least i think so anyway. i don't know what to think anymore. everything he does and says seems so genuine, yet part of me thinks maybe it's all just a lie to get into my pants. it's just so hard because why would he go through all that trouble just to get some ass ... why would he keep this up for two years and not make a move until we had hung out and talked enough? i always complain about him to my friends and so of course they all hate him and say i deserve better. and i mean maybe i do ... but i never tell them the good stuff about him - the amazing stuff that i love so much about him. i feel like i can't even talk to them about him or tell them that i was with him this week because i know they'll be mad. i know it's because they care about me and i appreciate that so much, but part of me just wished they could see him the way i do and understand why i keep going back to him.
then again, i don't even know.

i've made so many lj posts about him and how i'm done with him and all this stuff, but it never seems to happen. i always go back to him and i wish i just couldn't anymore. but part of me never wants to let him go either. i'm scared for that.
i know i should hate him but i just can't, and for that i love him.

(no subject)

List 10 things you want to say to 10 DIFFERENT people but know you never will.
Don't say who they are.
Never discuss it again.

1. You're so rude. You constantly put others down because you're so insecure about yourself that you have to make yourself feel better. I kind of feel bad for you.

2. I wish I could just forget about you. You've hurt me so many times, yet I still hang on hoping you'll change, but I know you never will. You made me so happy this summer, and now you cause nothing but heartache. I want to hate you so bad but I just can't.

3. I love you so much. I can't believe someone like you exists and that we're best friends. We've come so far from when we first started talking to now and I feel so blessed that I have you in my life. You're the best friend I could ever ask for and I know we'll be best friends forever. I would do anything for you and I know you'd do the same and it's so nice to know I have someone like you in my life.

4. You are one of the dumbest people I have ever met in my entire life. I don't know how you got into college and I'm sick of having to hold your hand through everything here - it's time you get smart and be independent.

5. I hate what you've become. We used to be best friends and now I barely see you. We used to talk everyday and now we never do. I think your priorities are really messed up and I wish things could go back to the way they were. You used to be such an amazing person - what happened? I still love you but I can't help but feel completely betrayed.

6. You're arrogant and I can't stand it.

7. I want you so bad but I know I can never have you. I feel like if you were my age, we would be perfect for each other.

8. I wish you could understand how hard I work for my major and stop scrutinizing me. I work harder than you probably ever will and I'm tired of you saying what I'm doing isn't hard work.

9. You're gorgeous and I'm jealous.

10. I really like you a lot. If you didn't have a girlfriend I wouldn't hesitate to start something because you're one of the few people here that I feel like I really have a connection with. I like you so much and I hope maybe someday something could happen.

saying goodbye.

Looking back on my last entry ... I don't even know. That was back in a time where I still had a comfortable bed and didn't have to shower with flip flops on. It was back when I could hang out with or see my best friend any time that I wanted to and back when I saw my family every day. Those times have all been taken away from me.
I hate this. I hate feeling okay one second and then miserable the next. I hate not being able to hug my mom or play with my dog and I hate not being with my best friend. College has been getting better for me but I still hate it. I hate that I'm away from everyone and everything I love. I hate that most of the friends here are people I just hang out with so I'm not completely alone - none of them are really close friends yet. There are a lot I do like but I wish I had my best friend here.
Damon is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Seriously, it's hard to believe that last year this time I didn't even know him. He has impacted my life so incredibly much and I hate not being with him now. Saying goodbye to him is the hardest thing I've ever done - it's almost the hardest I've ever cried and the most upset I've ever been. I had to sit in my car tonight for a half hour after I dropped Damon home and said goodbye because I couldn't even move I was crying so hard. I don't know why - I'm so so so so afraid that somehow we'll drift apart. It's honestly my biggest fear because it happened with Ross and I. Granted, Ross and I were not as close as Damon and I are and Damon's completely different than Ross. I'm just so scared anyway - I would do anything to make sure we're always this close because I really don't know how I'd manage without him. I mean I talk to him on the phone every night and online everyday but there's something different about being with the person - it's just better.
Before he left my house tonight we sat in my basement alone listening to songs by Carrie Underwood and Josh Groban - the ones that make us think of certain things and make us cry. We just sat there the two of us listening and I was crying. I had to try SO hard not to just start sobbing right there. I think it made us closer though. I've never really been able to cry in front of any of my friends before but now I can and it's okay. And when I dropped him home, I hugged him goodbye. And it was the longest hug I've ever had and it probably sounds weird but it was amazing. Just being there with my best friend in the whole world saying goodbye .... I could feel his heart beating against mine and it just felt so right to say goodbye to him there like that. I've never had a closer friend than him and I can't even describe it. It's just the most incredible thing in the world.
So Damon, I love you so much - more than you'll ever ever know and I will never ever not be you best friend - you are absolutely amazing and I just don't even have words to express how blessed I feel to have you as my best friend. I love you so much, and if I could, I would come home every weekend to see you. But I will be counting the days until the next time I get to see you ... and don't forget to remember me.

moving on

so I got a macbook pro yesterday for college and I love it so much already. It's so easy to use for the most part, and it's so much better than any laptop or computer I've ever had.
it's weird though - getting a laptop - I feel like that, along with college shopping and talking to my new roommate just makes it one step closer to me leaving for college. Don't get me wrong - I'm more excited than you could ever imagine: I love my roommate, I love where I'm living, I've already made friends with upperclassmen, one of my good friends already goes there, I'm going to the best school ever and I love my program there. I love everything about it. I'm not even nervous. If I am it's just a little tiny bit. I just can't believe that as of tomorrow I will have exactly one month left to spend with the people I love in the place I love (despite my daily complaints about how boring it is, it's home. It's familiar and secure and everything I know. It scares me a little bit that I won't be able to greet my dog everyday when I come home or yell at my sister for being annoying or take countless beatings from my little brother. I won't be forced to do dishes and have "family time." I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not afraid of where I'm going, I'm afraid of what I'm leaving behind. I'm leaving behind a family and a best friend. But I'm so excited just the same - not to finally get away from my family, but to have something new; new smells, new sounds, new people, new places, and new challenges and responsibilites. It's going to be amazing - I can feel it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to do everything that I want to this summer before I leave. I'm working every day to earn money for when I go to school and I'm spending as much time with my best friend as possible. I'm going to graduation parties and seeing friends I want to see, and just living up the summer the best way I know how. Already I've seen Wicked in NYC for the 2nd time and I'm going to see Josh Groban in concert tomorrow night with my mom, sister, and cousin. I'm going to see RENT in August with my best friend in amazing seats and walking around the city. That's how I say goodbye. I won't have NYC as close to me when I'm at school and I want to go there as often as I can so that I can in a way quench my thirst for that feeling of being alive and that feeling of awe that I get when I go into the city. I'm so excited for the things that await me this summer; the things that I have yet to do. And I'm even more excited for what lies ahead of that.

Thanks for the memories.
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